Justin Beiber Investigates .. Murdered Songs

Justin Beiber - We all like songs, especially the classic rock and pop songs.

But what about the cover versions of these songs? I am not talking about covers like The Animals ‘The House of the Rising Sun, or Jimi Hendrix’s ‘All Along the Watchtower.’ I’m talking about cover versions which takes away from the original versions. I’m talking about the cover versions that murder the original version. Because it’s not just the song that’s murdered, it’s the memory of the song. It’s the heart and soul of the song that’s murdered.

Tom and Mary were married in the year 2007. The first song played at their wedding was the classic Tracy Chapman song ‘Baby, Can I Hold You.’ Two years later a young man, by the name of Ronan Keating, and his band Boyzone, casually strolled into a studio recording booth, put on a pair of head phones, stepped up to the microphone and over the next six hours proceeded to viciously murder that song.

TOM - We always loved that song. We were proud having it as our first dance. But now… Now it’s a constant form of embarrassment for us. People who were at the wedding, or who know people who were at the wedding, point and snigger at us. We’ve tried listening to the original, but his version is what sticks in our head. Tracy chapman heard about our dilemma and she called to our house and played it a few times for us. We thought we had it back, but the next day we heard ‘their’ version and it all went back to the way it was.

Justin - We tried to talk to Tracy about her song, but she declined to talk to us because of the heartache she suffers from Boyzone’s version. But one man who would talk to us, a man who had a song of his murdered by Mister Keating, was the artist formerly known as Cat Stevens, now known as Yusuf Islam

Justin - Many years ago, you changed your name, because of religious reasons, from Cat Stevens to Yusuf Islam. The question I want to ask is … How did you feel to see a song of yours changed because of selfish reasons.

Yusuf - Which song is that? I have many songs and I’ve had many hit singles.

Justin - That might be true, Yusuf, but people only remember you for one.

Yusuf - Which one is that?

Justin - Do we have to play around? You know very well that it’s Father and Son.

Yusuf - Oh, yes.

Justin- So how did you feel when you first heard that your song Father and Son had been murdered by the notorious Ronan Keating?

Yusuf - Get out of my house!

Justin - Excuse me?

Yusuf - You heard me. Get out of my house. I was told I would not have to talk about that song. Get the out of my house.

Justin - Is it true that you changed your name not as a religious gesture, but because of the link to the song?

Yusuf - Get out!

Justin - And also, is it true that the Islamic religion, when they found this out, as penance made you sing on the duet with Mister Keating. Therefore making you a perpetrator of the double murder of your own song.As a songwriter, is it not your duty to nourish and protect your songs? Why did you hate your song so much?

At this point I was thrown out of Yusuf house.

Several days later I approached Mister Keating on the streets of Dublin.

Justin - Mister Keating. I’m Justin Beiber from ‘Justin investigates...’ I just want to ask you some questions.

Ronan - Not now, I’m with my family.

Justin - Do the songs ‘Words’ and ‘Father and Son’ mean anything to you, Mr Keating?

Ronan - I’m just out having a stroll with my family.

Justin - Have you thought of the damage you have done to the artists who wrote these songs?

Ronan - No comment.

Justin - What about the people for whom these songs once meant something?

Ronan - No comment.

Justin - And what about the songs themselves? Once cherished and beautiful, now thrown on the scrap heap left to rot.

At this point Mr Keating got into a car and drove off.

The next day an ex member of Boyzone, Keith Duffy agreed to meet with me at a secret location.

Justin - First up. Where did the name ‘Boyzone’ come from?

Keith - I honestly can’t remember, Justin.

Justin - To me Boyzone sounds like the name of a jerk circle.

Keith - I don’t …

Justin - As a member of the notorious Boyzone, can you tell me, what was Mister Keating like?

Keith - Well, as you can imagine, we were five talentless men who wanted to get into music, and we knew that being a cover band was the only way we could do it.

Justin - Can you run us through exactly what Ronan would do to a song?

Keith - Well, where there were ‘in key’ matching melodies and harmonies, he would throw in more ‘off key’ melodies and harmonies, to disrupt the song. He would also add in notes that weren’t there, and then get us to all to sing in a different major key than him.

Justin - Could you tell me about the ‘whispering?’

Keith - Let’s get one thing straight here; I was no angel, but the ‘whispering’ that was all down to Ronan. I honestly didn’t want to do it.

Justin - But you did.

Keith - I know, I know.

Justin - Please explain what ‘whispering’ is.

Keith - ‘Whispering’ is where you take a perfectly good song and after you’ve messed up the melodies, harmonies, notes and keys, you repeat a line from the song by ‘whispering’ it. Sometimes once, or maybe a numerous amount of times.

Justin - And who did the ‘whispering’ in your gang.

Keith - Well, because we were the backing singers it was mostly everyone but Ronan.

Justin - You’ve been out of Boyzone for a few years now, can you tell me what kind of impact those years have had on you?

Keith - Well, I can’t listen to music anymore. And also, I don’t know what I am anymore. I don’t know weather I’m a front man singer, a backing singer, an actor, a TV presenter, a male model, a sports man, a reality star… I just don’t know. You tell me.

Justin - How about none of the above?

Keith - What do you mean?

Justin - Exactly.

Justin - Last night as I sat in a room talking to Keith, my home was under attack. According to the neighbours and the police, at approximately 2 am a masked man threw stones at the front window of my house. My wife came to the window and at this moment, the masked man began to serenade her with the song ‘Whiter Shade of Pale.’ That song was our song. That song played on the radio when we first kissed.

My wife now lies in a hospital bed, critical but stable. Some say the singing was the banshee or some other demon of the night. But, I think we all know who it was.

Justin - One song that got away from Mr Keating was the Rolling Stone classic ‘Paint it Black.’

Paint it Black - I had heard it from a good friend on mine ‘Hotel California’. Hotel was drugged at a party and then lured into a recording studio. Fortunately, he passed out before the recording started. When he woke the next morning, before he made his escape, he overheard Ronan talking to some music people about doing a version of me.

Justin - And when you heard this, how did you feel?

P.I.B - How do you think it made me feel? I mean, I aint no whore who lets anyone do a cover version of me. I mean, my name aint ‘Yesterday.’

Justin - So what happened?

P.I.B - I paid Ronan and his little posse a visit.

Justin - Is it true that when you paid them a visit you were accompanied by the songs ‘Paradise City,’ ‘The Ace of Spades’ and ‘Highway to Hell?’

P.I.B - Yes. They’re all close friends of mine. They were concerned for me.

Justin - This was in late July of 2008?

P.I.B - I think so.

Justin - Which was around the same time that Mr Keating spent two weeks in hospital from a so-called fall.

P.I.B - Don’t beat about the bush, Mr. Beiber, say what you think.

Justin - It just seems like too much of a coincidence.

P.I.B - Are there any witnesses to form a basis for this so-called coincidence? Any CCTV evidence?

Justin - No.

P.I.B - Well then, you should know not to speculate. Now if you don’t mind, I have an award ceremony to attend.

Justin - Everyone remembers October 11^th 2004. It was a horrific day, a day we will never forget, the day Ronan Keating unleashed his greatest hits on the world.

When will the suffering of so many end? When will the law catch up with this man? When will the law put an end to the reign of terror imposed on us by these so-called artists? How many more Girls Aloud and Westlifes can society tolerate?

Now I have to admit, I have never heard Ronan Keating sing. And I don’t really want to, but I would be a hypocrite if I did not at least listen to one song, to give my opinion on his singing voice.

So here it goes.

I pressed play on my ipod on the song words. Six months later after being hospitalized and traumatized I can tell you not words can explain how bad that song is now, even when someone mentions that song I have a minor seizure.

So please if you can do anything, please be careful about the songs you listen to and buy. It may save your mental health.