Santa Claus - The Dark Era - An Elves Story

Santa Clause is perceived as a loving giving man, but is this really the truth. A new book out this Christmas is about to have people questioning that.

We all know Santa as the man who delivers presents to children the night of Christmas Eve. We all know how he and his elves spend the year making toys and preparing everything for Christmas. We’ve seen the films of how friendly and loving Lapland is. We’ve all seen the footage of Santa Heading off Christmas Eve on his sleigh in tow with his reindeers, with the ever-loyal Rudolf leading the way.

But we have never seen what’s gone behind the doors in Lapland. We’ve never heard anyone’s real true story, until now.

This December sees the release of the book ‘Santa hat you don’t know’ penned by Ronnie the Elf.

Some critics have lambasted the book saying there is no truth in it, while others have praised it for its insightfulness.

No matter what these critics think, one thing the book does do, is it gets you thinking about Santa in ways you probably never did before.

Ronnie says that yes there was a time when Santa was a nice, jolly man, but he says the slide slowly started back in the mid sixties when Coke Cola approached him with a sponsorship deal.

Ronnie remembers Santa BC. That was a time when Santa wore green just like them, a time where they all worked together, a time when they all hung out and had a few beers together.

He also remembers the day Santa came onto the factory floor wearing Red and White and told them how there was going to be some changes.

For decades Lapland was run this way and the elves were fine with this. Santa could concentrate on who makes what and who gets what, without there being any mix ups.

But in the early eighties changes were about to come about that could have seen the fall of this great man and his empire.

In 1983 Budweiser approached Santa to sponsor him. At first Santa said no, but when Budweiser showed him what kind of money would be pumped into his business and realised he could give more toys to kids he accepted.

With this new deal there was lots of free beer on offer. At first Santa refused the free beer. But slowly as the nineties approached and more pressure was placing on Santa due to the now overly commercial side of Christmas day Santa began to drink a few at night, to relieve the stress. After awhile the drinking seeped into the day, until finally it became all day everyday and all of the work was now solely left up to the elves.

The years of alcohol abuse were to last five year and in the mist of these alcohol years Santa became very violent towards the elves. He rounded up some known trouble maker elves and put together a Posse. One of these Posse members was Ronnie.

Santa put captains over teams of Elves to work harder and the whip was often used as a work intuitive

In this period Santa had many Elf mistresses to which misses Claus turned a blind eye.

He also took joy in holding illegal Elf fighting. Many of these fights were very bloodied and almost all were fixed.

Life for an ordinary worker Elf was disgraceful. Wages had been slashed and once you got old you were thrown into the streets. All form of maintenence was stopped in the local factory and demand for toys was so high the elves did not have to time to clean or maintain the factories.

By this time Santa had now fallen out with many of the other holiday figures. He would often be seen arguing with the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Ronnie recalls in his book an ongoing dispute between Big S, as he liked to be called then, and the Grinch. One particular incident saw Santa doctor the books for some extra baseballs. That night full of beer Santa’s’ Posse went to the house of the Grinch to, using Santa’s own words ‘Waste him’. But when they got there the Grinch wasn’t there. A lucky escape for him.

Doctoring the books was a common occurrence. Ronnie remembers handing in lists from made up children with Porsches, plasma TVs, etc on it. At first the other elves questioned these items but after a couple of visits from Ronnie and his crew, the questions stopped.

One day an elf refused to build anymore of the toys on the fake list. Santa and his crew stormed onto the factory floor and the elf in question was brought up onto the balcony in front of all the other elves.

Santa handed Ronnie a gun and told him to ‘kill this mother’.

Ronnie refused. Santa slapped him and told him to do it. Ronnie refused. This sent Santa into a violent rage. He kept shoving the revolver into the other members of his crew, but all of them refused. Santa screamed down at the other elves to come up and do it, offering them all kinds of rewards.

The elf looked up at Santa and asked him why he wouldn’t do it. Santa pistol-whipped him. The elf picked himself up, looked up at Santa and pressed his forehead against the barrel of the gun and told Santa he’d rather be dead then work for him anymore.

And it was at this moment Santa knew he had gone to far, he looked down at the elf, around at his posse and down at a factory floor of crying elves and there and then he broke down himself.

Mrs Claus made a few phone calls that night and the next day Santa and his posse were all admitted into the Priory to clean up. Lapland has been clean of all such substances since then and Santa has been putting all his resources into making it and Christmas into a better place.

But still Santa has his million dollar sponsorship deals with Coke Cola and Budweiser. The store Santa’s still have to pay him 20% of all their takings after tax and his name is still copyright, of which he earns 20% of all gross after tax.

Ronnie says things have gotten better for the Elves. They have better health care now, they are allowed four weeks holiday each year, which can be broken up and taken whenever they want, except in the month of November and December and just recently they have been given a pension plan.

‘Santa. What you don’t know’ by Ronnie the Elf is available at all good bookshops and Amazon from Dec 12^th. Make sure you reserve your copy now